3 Reasons to Build Tech Limits Bit-by-Bit
Learning what works best for your kids and family takes time. Hard and fast rules from the start can be challenging to manage in the long run.
In my conversations with other parents, I’m often asked questions about technology, devices, and internet access that parents want a direct answer to, such as:
How much time should my kids spend on screens per day?
What apps are safe for this age?
Is my kid ready for a tablet, phone, smartwatch, etc.?
Should I be tracking my kids’ internet use with an app?
The truth is that there is no one size fits all answers to these questions. Every family is different. The realities of each family’s day-to-day life are also different. For example, while I generally think 10-year-olds are too young for a phone, some kids participate in lots of after-school activities. The ability to contact parents can be helpful to an already over-scheduled family. In this case, I would advise a family to purchase a very specific type of phone with limited capabilities to solve the current use case.
The solution to determining what technology your kids are ready for and can handle is to take a “bit by bit” approach to set boundaries and rules. An incremental approach allows your child and family unit to grow as together as a whole.
Reason #1: Setting incremental boundaries allows you to build trust with your child.
Access – to the internet, devices, and technology – is all about trust. I cannot emphasize this enough. As most of us have learned from our lived experiences, trust is built over time and by observing other people's actions (not just words). You are learning to trust your child, and they are learning to trust you.
It’s easy for kids to break trust if they are given devices or access without limitations (or, conversely, with too many limitations) from the start. I’ve seen this with kids on their first devices. Starting small and building incremental trust helps everyone feel comfortable with new devices or access.
Reason #2: Setting incremental boundaries allows your child to see the impact of technology use on their mind and body.
Study after study has shown that excessive screen time is unsuitable for anyone of any age. Most parents have had technology their entire adult lives and have figured out ways to cope with technology burnout. Kids don’t have those coping mechanisms yet and we shouldn’t expect them to!
Let me give you an example from my life. On school nights, my daughter is OK with having screen time for 30 minutes; we notice no adverse effects. She has had trouble regulating her emotions before bed whenever we’ve upped it to an hour or more. Because we’ve attempted this experiment multiple times, she has seen and felt it for herself. She knows that spending too much time on a screen when her brain is already tired from school will result in big emotions and trouble getting to sleep. She doesn’t need a lecture from us because she can feel it for herself and identify those “trigger moments” when she’s gone over the ledge of too much screen time. This approach allows her to self-regulate so much better – some nights, she turns off the screen even before the 30-minute mark because she can feel things devolve in real-time.
Reason #3: Setting incremental boundaries allows you to roll back access in a low-stakes fashion.
One of the most significant errors I see parents make is swinging the pendulum widely between free range and tightly-zipped technology access. The entire family ends up with whiplash, and it becomes challenging to establish rules and expectations that are easy to follow.
When kids are young (8 and under) and introduced to devices for the first time, starting with limited access and working your way up is beneficial. That way, when you hit and go past an access or emotional threshold, you can take a small step back without major meltdowns or arguments. This works for older kids, too, if you take a “reset” approach and start from scratch.
When you take the incremental approach, the key is to communicate openly and talk about it. Openly discuss what’s working and frustrating – to both parents and the kids.