Technology is a Part of Your Family Culture
Phones, tablets, laptops, TV, and the internet access that powers it all are at the center of our family culture. I suspect technology is central to yours, as well.
I picked up my 10-year-old daughter's friend for a birthday party this past weekend. My daughter graciously offered her friend the front passenger seat, but the friend's mom popped in quickly: "no front seat, thems the rules." When her friend got sad, my daughter instinctively responded with a well-loved saying in our house: different families, different rules. The girls quickly started chatting, and it no longer mattered who was in the front.
From the moment your kids speak complete sentences, they can feel like a constant comparison engine with other families in their social sphere. It starts with simple things like naps, bedtimes, birthday parties, and riding in the front seat but quickly evolves to touchier things like house size, parents' jobs, sports team participation, tutors, learners' permits, and cars — it never stops. For the 21st-century parent, one comparison bucket that never goes away is technology and a child's relative access to it.
In our home, we like to talk about "family culture."
We constantly talk about norms, rules, and expectations. It's not about being strict; instead, as parents, we're trying to create an environment where they know their boundaries and are clear on how our family operates. Clarity about our family helps them better understand the norms in other homes. Examples of simple rules we follow? Bedtime at 8 PM; being punctual for our commitments; participating in a limited number of sports and hobbies so we can bring our best selves to everything we do; no claims of boredom on weekends.
What's curious about each of the norms I've just shared is how technology is quietly a part of each one. Lights out at 8 PM follows a strict hour of no technology (it's hard for the kids to fall asleep otherwise). Honoring our commitment to being punctual for school means zero tolerance for screens in the morning (they get distracted from the simplest tasks with devices around). Bringing your best self to anything means recognizing behavior that overwhelms and tires you (my daughter becomes inconsolably cranky after two hours in front of a screen). Lastly, learning to entertain yourself and avoid boredom means seeing time on your device as one of many ways to spend your time.
Technology -- phones, tablets, laptops, TV, and the internet access that powers it all — is at the center of our family culture. I suspect it's central to yours, as well. If technology stayed stagnant, this could be easier, but the fact that technology keeps changing means that we must also change our approaches.
With the disclaimer of "different families, different rules" allow me to share a few things that have worked for us as we introduced and continue to evolve our family's relationship to technology.
Our family tech culture
Be clear about rules and stick to them. Family norms are fundamental when kids are young. If you are inconsistent with device usage, you will spend years debating rules with a preschool politician. As they grow up, your kids will also know that rules around technology are a real thing they need to respect. Creating that structure early in their lives is so important.
Have age-appropriate conversations about technology and family culture. Kids are smart. If you explain why rules are important, they tend to tolerate them better. For example, we tell our kids often that it's crucial that they can converse on things other than TV shows and Youtube videos. This means making time to experience the world differently and limiting device usage.
There are obvious times to pause the rules. We travel a lot as a family. My kids know the rules are on hold if we're on a long drive or transatlantic flight. Traveling with kids is often about survival; sometimes, you need the kids occupied. Usually, standard family rules are back in session once we arrive at a destination. For you, it might be a kid stuck at a sibling's baseball game that gets to entertain themselves with an iPad. It's different for every family -- just be sure that you openly acknowledge that the rules are suspended for a limited time.
Parents follow similar rules. We openly discuss mom and dad's relationship with technology. Sometimes we need to work on weekends, or we need devices to coordinate our calendar of obligations. We're clear about how we expect to engage with tech, and if our kids call us on something ("Mom, stop staring at your phone!"), we acknowledge they are usually right.
One of the best things about kids getting older is they start to form their own views and opinions. Yes, this is a good thing! We have made incremental changes to our rules based on conversations with our 10- and 6-year-olds! Allow kids to propose their changes to family norms.
Trust your kids, but also provide oversight. Our default is to trust our kids. We haven't yet installed oversight tools (like Bark), but that doesn't mean we won't consider it in the future. Every child has different self-regulation capabilities and adjusting to what's best for your family is essential.
How does technology impact the culture of your family? What challenges have you faced?